My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?