Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
not seeing the problem
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Order here:
More here:
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.