United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”