somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game