We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift