I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
A drum solo but on your face.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School