I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
It’s actually Dr. whatever
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
According to math, I’m broke
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.