Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Go hard or stay average
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT