“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.