WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
it’s the silliest best thing
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.