My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.