[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.