i want the dreams to chase me for once
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.