Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.