[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
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Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
🌱🌱🌱
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”