Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.