ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder