Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.