If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks