Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
😂🤣😂🤣
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met