I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me