“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.