Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Flowers bee like
Good news
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.