Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
prepare for carbonated trouble
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far