[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period