Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.