People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
can’t catch a break
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.