*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
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Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
ugh not again
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.