Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
That took me a moment.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
what
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?