me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.