The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.