just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right