Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
6: are snakes just neck?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”