pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
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Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Doggies just call it style.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
That’s no pocket rocket.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.