I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.