[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Life cycle of cat
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.