6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You Might Also Like
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
She was REALLY feeling it.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week