I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%