Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
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Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.