I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
had to share :’)
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2