The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.