My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
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It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*