Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
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Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Close call…
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.