Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”