I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you