twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.