How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.