bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about