Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
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Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
The little toadstool has spoken.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for