I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.